Every year, my family takes a trip to Lancaster County, Pennsylvania. When I was much younger, this included a stop in the "Amish Country". My family saw it as something "tourist-y" to do. We'd stop at the general store, or we'd go to a local place that taught about the Amish lifestyle. Even while I was still young, I knew my understanding of these people was different. There was a yearning to be like them somehow.
Time passed, and I grew a little older. My family stopped visiting the Amish tourist attractions when we went to Pennsylvania. I couldn't have been happier, personally. So many times I found myself feeling thoroughly embarrassed by how my family and how others around us treated the experience of visiting an Amish area. I was ashamed of myself too. It was a game, something "cool" to look at. I still felt that longing to find a connection to them, and I think the experience of feeling such shame over those thoughts and actions helped me to grow up a little bit.
My mother passed away when I was in high school. It was an intense test of my faith, to say nothing of the physical and emotional toll it took on me. It was around this time that my fascination with the Amish hit a high point. I spent a lot of time reading, though I always tried to keep it a secret from those around me. I didn't want to have to explain myself. I was weird enough already without adding this to the plate. But it was here that I would begin to find some understanding of what I was feeling.
I began reading the Bible for the first time since I had finished my Confirmation classes. I began wearing a head covering (a bandanna or a plain kerchief, nothing that really stood out as being "religious") as a sign of my devotion to God, and as a reminder to myself that I belonged to God before anyone else. I tried to wear more modest clothing (though there wasn't much I could do on that front, since I was already hiding myself in enormous hand-knit sweaters).
But the world wasn't prepared for me to have those experiences and ideas. High school students can be dreadfully cruel sometimes. I was teased for my head coverings, and had them pulled from my head at least once or twice. And this from people I considered, and continue to consider my closest friends. I was too embarrassed to even speak of the matter to my family or my church family. For all that I wanted to explore and deepen my faith, the world wasn't going to let me.
I'm in college now, halfway through my third year. I'm at a school where those who are religious are most definitely in the minority. The designated "spiritual space" on campus has only recently begun to receive the respect it deserves, often getting used the in past for smoking, or other acts that simply don't belong in that sort of space. The idea of going to church is a foreign one to most people here. The Christian Union has a small, but ever-fluctuating group of members. Not exactly an encouraging environment to be in when you're trying to come to a fuller and deeper understanding of your faith.
I rented a movie earlier this year, "Saving Sarah Cain". I shut myself away in my room, to have a movie night with no one else. I was completely and totally captivated by the story, and enjoyed every moment of it. And by the end, I came to understand something about myself.
My fascination with the Amish wasn't about them being Amish. It wasn't that I wanted to become Amish, or that I wanted to dress in plain clothes, or speak Pennsylvania Dutch (though I don't rule out the possibility of that last one). My fascination stemmed from their incredible faith, and how they never wavered despite the changing world around them. I wanted that strength for myself, to be able to hold tight to my faith in the face of the world that tries to push it out of mind, and make it something that one can't talk about in polite conversation without causing a heated debate.
So where do I stand now? Well, I still very much prefer wearing skirts to wearing pants. I find myself feeling very at peace when I wear a head covering. It helps serve as a physical reminder of God's love in an environment where it is hard to keep hold of my faith. While I don't have many, and I'm still not incredibly confident about wearing them, I try not to fret about the matter too much. Given enough time, I think the situation will sort itself out.
How do you feel about talking to others about your faith? Do you talk to yourself about your faith? How do you react when someone else is discussing their faith? Have you ever been embarrassed to talk about what you believe in, and how you choose to live as a result?
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"Do your best to present yourself to God as one approved, a worker who does not need to be ashamed and who correctly handles the word of truth."
2 Timothy 2:15
