Aches and Pains

I've never been very good at slowing down and resting as much as I need to. So naturally, there comes a point where it all becomes too much, and my body forces me to rest. This time, it is coinciding with physical illness. My thyroid condition is acting up. It's something very easily remedied, but it takes time for the new dosage of medication to work itself into my system. Until it does, I'm stuck feeling exhausted all the time. Just trying to muster the energy to get out of bed some mornings is a huge feat. The periodic sense of vertigo gets to be incredibly frustrating. My joints ache.

But the thing that bothers me most is the way this all affects my mind. With my hormones all messed up like they are right now, I can't focus very well. I am more easily distracted than usual (and I'm pretty easy to distract in the first place!). My memory isn't working at the speed I'd like it to. It's frustrating to try to hold a conversation, and lose focus midway through a sentence in an attempt to remember what word you wanted to say. Or forgetting completely what it was that I was talking about. Even if I write things down (which I nearly always do), I end up forgetting things. It's frightening.

Sure, it all goes back to normal once my hormones settle again. But until then, it's rather like sitting in the middle of a room filled with really thick fog. You can wave your arms around all you want, and shine tons of light everywhere, but you still can't see what it is you are trying to see on the other side of the room. Yet you know exactly what the room is like. You've spent forever in this room, and can describe every minute detail of it when the fog isn't around.

I have a tendency to get very cranky when I'm all out of sorts like this. So I have to stop and remind myself every now and then that this is temporary. This all goes away, and things return to normal. It's going to require a lot more patience than I'm willing to give, but I'll make it through this just fine, as I have every time before.

~*~

So we do not lose heart. Though our outer self is wasting away, our inner self is being renewed day by day.

2 Corinthians 4:16

To see your life unfold

To my dearest brother:

This morning I watched your confirmation. I felt very blessed for the chance to take part in the laying on of hands, and to be there for that moment. I was so proud of you. Daddy cried, and I definitely teared up a bit.

Below are the lyrics to one of my favorite hymns, which came to mind as I sat watching you affirm your baptism. While the "I" in the song is supposed to be God, I feel a very similar connection. I was indeed there when you were born, and I remember the day you were baptized. And I'll be there for you for the rest of your life.

God bless you today and always, little brother.

I was there to hear your borning cry,
I'll be there when you are old.
I rejoiced the day you were baptized,
to see your life unfold. 

I was there when you were but a child,
with a faith to suit you well;
In a blaze of light you wandered off
to find where demons dwell."

"When you heard the wonder of the Word
I was there to cheer you on;
You were raised to praise the living Lord,
to whom you now belong. 

If you find someone to share your time
and you join your hearts as one,
I'll be there to make your verses rhyme
from dusk 'till rising sun.

In the middle ages of your life,
not too old, no longer young,
I'll be there to guide you through the night,
complete what I've begun. 

When the evening gently closes in,
and you shut your weary eyes,
I'll be there as I have always been
with just one more surprise.

I was there to hear your borning cry,
I'll be there when you are old.
I rejoiced the day you were baptized,
to see your life unfold.

For my brother, as he prepares for his confirmation

Last night I returned home to attend the rehearsal dinner for my younger brother's confirmation. He's worked hard to reach this point, having attended classes every other Saturday for the last three years. Naturally, I find myself thinking back on my own confirmation, nearly seven years ago.

I was the only child in my age set to finish Sunday school. My sister stopped going after a few years. I don't remember if my brother ever went. I loved church. I felt safe and loved there. Anytime I sat in the sanctuary, whether for worship or just waiting in silence for a meeting to begin, I always felt something stir inside of me.

For all that I loved church, I found my three years of confirmation classes to be tedious at times. We lived a twenty minute drive from the church, which meant that we'd have to leave home at 3:30 in order to be on time for the 4:00 class. When we finished at 6:00, I had to decide  if I would stay for service (another hour), or if I wanted to get up early on Sunday morning instead. Either way, many of my weekends were scheduled in a way that made spending time with friends very difficult. So I certainly understand my brother's frustrations in giving up so many Saturdays for three years.

In our third year (or, Level 3, as we knew it) we had to write a series of five essays. We wrote about our childhood, our first encounters with our faith, where we planned to go in life. The most difficult essay for me was one in which we had to describe ourselves. As a fourteen-year-old, I was still a long way from discovering who I was. I sympathized with my brother as he struggled with those five essays. He managed to write the longest collection out of his entire class. I recently reread my essays, and I hope my brother will do the same in a few years, and smile, as I did, to see how much changes in such a short time.

Last night, my brother received a cross for his wall. It is the same as those my sister and I received. The same as the one that still hangs on the wall over my bed. The congregation gave each confirmand a pendant with the Lutheran rose on it. I wore my pendant so often that the chain broke twice, and the pendant itself is turning green (thanks to a stubborn refusal to remove it while swimming or showering). I pray that my brother will treasure these gifts and the faith they represent for many years to come.

I look forward to this Sunday, when my brother and his twelve classmates will be confirmed on Pentecost. I feel blessed that I will be able to attend and watch these thirteen young people, wearing the same white capes worn by my classmates and I in 2004, take this important step in their lives of faith.

~*~

Don't let anyone look down on you because you are young, but set an example for the believers in speech, in conduct, in love, in faith and in purity.

1 Timothy 4:12